Work In Progress

So goes my relationship. Boyfriend finally made his way to see me and to risk sounding very mushy...it was wonderful. We've been communicating, which is a big deal because we stopped doing that about 2 years ago. After our very big fight/break up, he did a complete 180 with talking. And so did I. I'm trying to stop telling my mother every thing that happens between Boyfriend and me. I'm also trying to work on being honest and to the point--as opposed to hoping he'll figure things out on his own. This includes me not talking to him like an idiot all the time. The last one is really hard sometimes, especially when he's getting on my nerves.

In return, he's being more proactive with our relationship in general. He lets me know what's going on with him (right now, applying for graduation) and is being open with me about what he's doing with his future. I'm trying to let him do his own thing and not be so nagging--I'll let you know how that works out.


But anyway, he came up for a few days. I'm in a 2 bedroom apartment by myself right now, so we had the whole place for his vacay. We rented movies, went to a family bar-b-que, hung out with some of my friends for a while and when we weren't romping around, we were in bed (ahem, ahem). The last night he was here we got all dressed up to go out to a club. Boyfriend is socially awkward, and got too dressed up (he looked like he was going to church). When I mentioned it, he became super self conscious and finally revealed that he didn't really feel comfortable going to a club. Instead, we walked all dolled up to the local Blockbuster, rented Knocked Up, and watched it in the bed, fully clothed, with a bowl of fruit and a bottle of wine. We hadn't had time to be that romantic in a long time and it was very nice. Today when Boyfriend left, I cried for hours.

Alpha Female

Twin and I have a problem. That's now starting to get on my nerves. Wait. That's a lie. It's been getting on my nerves for a while now. I've just been too busy to dwell on it. But for whatever reason, I had enough time today to try to think it out.

We've got a silent competition going on...and I don't know why. Now that I think about it, this has happened before with another friend of mine. She is very pretty, but in an "exotic" way and had all the attention from guys. I didn't mind--my low self esteem forced me to accept the fact that she was just meant to have all the males...and I had books to keep me happy. When I started dating Boyfriend, and started taking pride in the way I looked, things between us changed. Old Friend suddenly started treating me as competition (for what is a question I'm still trying to figure out). Our dynamics changed and we're no longer in the same relationship that we used to be.





So goes it for Twin now. When I met her a year ago, I was the same happy tomboyish ole me, complete with baggy shirts and jeans, no makeup, etc. I scoffed at working out, ate like shit (because I lived in the dorms) yadda yadda yadda. And she was (and still is) attractive, took pride in her appearance, very used to getting attention from men (she reminded me of this quite often with her 'complaints' of how much men were bothering her), equal yadda yadda yadda. However, when I moved out of the dorms this past month and a half ago, started wearing makeup (I have more time on my hands now that class is out, and I'm working part time as a receptionist which means I can't scare the customers, I've actually got to check how I look), and actually started working out, our dynamics changed as well.

I find that she's constantly comparing herself to me. Both verbally and silently. For instance, she's self conscious because she doesn't have big breasts. I, on the other hand, am a D-cup. So she's constantly complaining about her chest, and even though I tell her, "Yeah, but you can wear cute tanks and tube tops..." the look on her face when I roll down in something showing cleavage speaks a thousand words. Am I a bad friend because I don't cover up to make her feel good about herself?

The list is endless. I called my mom who has two lifelong best friends to ask her what her thoughts were.

Mom: Well, I've never had competition between my friends.

Me: Of course not Mom. You're the only woman on this planet who has felt like any competition is going on between you and another woman.

Mom: Well I haven't! But then again, I was taken off the (dating) market at 19. So maybe if we had all still been single it would have been different. But as far as your situation goes, it sounds like the girl (Twin) now views you as a threat. Before, you weren't taking that much pride in the way you look and now you are. She was comfortable with that. But now you've found new friends, got a little bit more confidence and you're emanating that. Of course she's going to view you as competition now.

Me: Ugh! But why? I don't want this!

Mom: Look, everyone wants to have hair that's the bomb. Everyone wants to look the best. It's human nature. Don't change who you are to please her. And you better stop over analyzing and get over this. Why don't you just find some other friends to hang out with?

Me: You're right. I was just wondering what was going on. But thanks for the advice.

Mom: No prob.


Of course the friendship guru (Mom) is right. But still it sucks. Ah well. Keep marching onward.

Greener Pastures

I have a friend, of whom I'm insanely jealous of. I've always been. Ever since we were both in high school, I've always been her lackey. She's pretty in an exotic way, and she's adopted so she doesn't know what her background consists of. Men of all ages adore her. She's got this long luxurious hair, she exercises constantly so she has the body everyone wants, she has her own car (something that, I don't care how old you are, in college is coveted), and she has remarkable fashion sense. I used to hang with her, partly because she was my only "friend" and partly because I made her feel better about herself. You know, the whole "Oh here's my friend who's not as pretty as I am which makes me even more appealing" thing. And it was too a point that I didn't even try to fix myself up around her. For what? I knew that no matter what I did, she would be (and look) better at it.

I know, I know. The grass ain't always greener. She had trouble with her foster family, moved out at a young age, and she has serious trouble holding down a man. So in reality, I shouldn't be jealous of her. Then why am I? There's no self analysis here, readers, because I can't figure this one out.

Mama's Boy

I had to go to the zoo today for an Anthropology class, so I tagged along with a classmate of mine who just happen to have her boyfriend and his car in her possession. It was fun--we saw almost all of the animals, took a train ride, bumped small kids off the carousel...the usual. But one thing I noticed was that Classmate kept treating her boyfriend like he was her kid. Their conversations went along the lines of:

Classmate: Oh my God, we have to go get your passport today--
Classmate's Boyfriend: --hey wanna go kayaking?
Classmate: No, you can and I'll watch. (few minutes and other conversation passes by) Look at you! You need to get a haircut....and highlights.....
CB: Yeah, yeah....
CB: Oh! Crap! I forgot to set up that appointment for you to pay that parking ticket and....


It's got to be annoying as hell. I have new found respect for my boyfriend, because I just know I've sounded like that. What is it about women that pulls out the mother/secretary role in us? Is it because that's how we show our affection? Or are we desperately trying to show that we are capable of being a wife someday....is that the ultimate goal?


Friend (who we will now appropriately call "Twin", see "Cut From the Same Cloth") split with her boyfriend of four years about six months ago. She sounded just like me when she would talk about him--he was more of her man child than anything. She still maintains that she was the best thing that's ever happened to him. Apparently, he wasn't romantic enough for her, so she did what any fiercely independent young woman of the 21st century would do...she started complaining. Months went by with no results, she began to get fed up (despite admitting that he just wasn't the overly romantic type) and started thinking about seeking comfort elsewhere. But first, she gave him long talks and ultimatums, just like I would.

He didn't seem too concerned and she finally decided to split up. It was a nasty breakup. The short and short of it is she wanted him, but not for who he was, but who she wanted him to be (sounds familiar?). And when he didn't change, she was appalled. All the guys said she was hot, she was smart, independent, going somewhere--what more could he want?! Between me and you, probably a break from all that bitching.

Twin's boyfriend admitted during their nasty breakup that he had fallen out of love with her--and that he'd been feeling that way for several months (ouch). He began smoking weed incessantly (something that, according to Twin, he'd always been strongly against) and doing his own thing. Twin was baffled (and hurt). How could he do this to her?

To be honest, I felt more sorry for her boyfriend than for Twin. Partly because I got to see how I interacted with my own boyfriend. And now I'm seeing this with Classmate. Basically it's a pattern. I wonder if I can break it? During our last (huge) argument, Boyfriend told me that he needed a girlfriend, not his mother. The more I pay attention to my girlfriends, the more I see his point. From now on, I'm going to try to be more relaxed and lay off of Boyfriend....let's see how it works.

Best Friends Forever?

Today a friend and I went to go see Sex and the City. For lack of better words, it was amazing. I'm not a chick flick type of gal by any means (I boycotted Lifetime at the age of 13, much to my mother's horror), but I put up a white flag and checked it out. It's was full of laughs, tears (yes, even the bad ass, almighty CC had a few tears) and of course sex. What was more interesting was that it was about 5 young women in the audience. The rest were senior citizens. Huh. I guess if you can't get a fix in the bedroom you go to the big screen.

But I digress. The movie was fun and the new friend and I made plans to hang out more often. Here's the thing though: whenever I meet someone that I have common interests with, and can laugh at my corny jokes and agrees to hang out again, I get super excited. Finding friendships is a lot like finding a date. You can't rush it by any means, or force yourself on to people. You have to play it cool. The Friend that I mentioned in "Cut from the Same Cloth" and I are considered "best friends", however she is stretched between about 50 different people. Which is fine--for her. But for me, the more simple type, I would like a friend who isn't tied up with a million people and that can hang out on a regular basis. Is that too much to ask?


I feel like I lose independence when I talk....er, type like this. I shouldn't need anyone, right? I mean who needs friends when you've got good wine, a "Nick at Nite" line up and your computer? Certainly not me.


Maybe. It's a family joke that I've never had a true best friend. Which is only slightly true. I had two best friends in my adolescence years, but my family uprooted and moved across the country. Bye bye comrades! So for the last 5 years or so, I've been friendless. Plenty of acquaintances--you know, those "get together once or twice but they don't know truly shit about you" people. But never a friend, who calls each other up on a weekly basis just to hang out and see what's up with each other's lives. My so called "best friend" and I don't hang out often simply because we both work in the same field and so our schedules collide all the damn time. Plus, she's exactly like me, so it's get annoying have "me" around. Tell me, how does she qualify as a best friend then? Hmmm.


What is the recipe for a good friendship? Time? Compatibility? But what else, if any? What exactly is it that keeps one (i.e. me) from having a close group of gal pals à la Carrie Bradshaw? Is it simply that young women in today's age don't have time nor means to build friendships?

I'm going to try an experiment. Actually it's a really sucky one, but ah well....I'm in Film not Sciences. Anyway, this new friend is raw potential in a sort. She doesn't know too much about me, and I don't know too much about her. I'm going to actually try to build a friendship with her--but not in the creepy, stalker killer way. Just actually calling (I hate, hate, hate talking on the phone--something I'm trying to break out of), and inviting to things. I'll keep you posted.

....&On

Eh. I'm tired. I started a new full time job, I'm taking summer classes, and I had to move into my new apartment. It all happened within a week. So it's Friday (my job is 7 days a week) and while most peeps will be kicking off their shoes to rest after a busy week, I'm just happy to get in bed for a couple of hours before heading back to the job again.


Boyfriend and I are back together. He's working odd jobs to save money to come and see me (he's actually got money in the bank), and I'm relaxing--as much as a person with a Type A personality can.

My younger sister's graduation was a week ago and I traveled down to my hometown to see her walk. The family rejoiced with lots of food and beer, and I saw Boyfriend. I was glad to see him--we actually made out like we were teenagers. He had a couple of bucks and wanted to take me to a jazz club he liked, so we headed out for a night on the town. Unfortunately, the jazz club had a cover charge (something I never pay unless I've been pining to go there for years) and he was operating on limited funds, so we headed to a less sophisticated but younger bar. I wasn't feeling well, but didn't want our efforts to fail in vain, so he bought me a drink and we sipped and took pictures.


Overall, it was a good time. There was no sex, which made it even sweeter, because he's still not out of the doghouse completely. However, if he makes it up here, I might have to end this fight--a girl can only go too long with getting booty.

Cut From The Same Cloth...

I have a friend who is a lot like me. Scarily, actually. She's opinionated, has to know and do everything, she's bossy, attractive (according to the hordes of men that she says are always trying to talk to her) and she knows it.....yadda yadda yadda, she's me. Which is fine. Except for she drives me nuts sometimes.


A question that has been on my mind is: What if I dated someone who was the opposite of Boyfriend--and exactly like me? We would be like minded a lot like Friend and I are. We would worry about similar things all the time (I'm a worry wart--and actually had to do some time in therapy because my obsessing was getting out of control), we would fight because both of us would have to be right all the time or close to it, we would need to know what's going on because over all we would both be control freaks.


The very thought is terrifying. I'm not taking up for Boyfriend, who is the complete opposite of me, but I am saying that I don't think I would want to date someone who would be a lot like me. So the question is: what do I want? How does one figure that out?

Boys will be Boys

Boyfriend and I broke up.


Sort of.


He was supposed to graduate from college this month. Keep in mind he's been in school for five years. His parents (who are paying for his education) told him that he needed to graduate or else ("else" being cut off from the financial tit). So, he tried to take on 22 credits. Actually, I was impressed. He managed to juggle those classes all the way up until late March, early April. I didn't honestly think he had it in him. But throughout that whole ordeal he didn't mention what he wanted post graduation. I kept asking, and I kept getting vague answers or no answers at all. He said the reason he never wanted to talk about it was because I always had a hostile tone. I told him the only reason I had a hostile tone was because he never wanted to talk about it.


Anyway, during one argument, it came out that he wasn't graduating. Of course, I was pissed. Why didn't I know ahead of time? I had taken off days from work and had started to plan coming to see him. I was even trying to prepare myself for dealing with his family. "This is just what I mean," I told him. "You never tell me what's going on with you--what your plans are." My mom suggested he was probably embarrassed to tell me. But still.


So he packed and went down to stay with his parents for a few weeks before coming back to his school and taking the one class he had to drop so he could get his diploma. Fine. I asked him if he would be working during those few weeks, and at first he was "Oh, yeah yeah, I'm going to go get a temp job." This turned into a half ass attempt to find a temp job, clearly a ploy just to keep me happy. But I was sick of not knowing when I was going to see him because he never had any money, and not knowing if this was going to continue for the rest of our relationship. He doesn't seem to have any drive to do anything. He has these goals, but no motivation to make them happy. Boyfriend is completely okay with just having things fall into his lap.


And I wasn't having it. I called him up a couple of weeks ago, and just let my heart sing. I told him I wanted a break, which at first he said 'no' to. However, once he realized I wasn't backing down this time, he said that was fine. And I told him that I didn't know if we could have a future together because he's not responsible, and okay with that. "I need someone that I can rely on," I said, "and that I know I can build a future with."


He admitted that he understood he had been in the wrong to keep me out of knowing what his plans were, and that he needed "to do more on his part". He also said that he was willing to do whatever it took to keep me in his life. I reminded him that he's sang this song before, just not as loudly, and that whenever it came time for him to get a job, something always came up. I didn't trust him anymore and I was questioning whether we had the same ideas about our future--maybe we're incompatible.


For the last week, he's been sounding miserable on the phone--but I'm not giving in. I told him I needed to see improvement on his part in the form of concrete actions (getting a job or some means of money and making plans to see each other on our own time) before we moved any further. And since then he's been all talk about our "future" (kids, living together, etc.). Hmph. I've never been one of those young women who's ideal future is kids and calling someone 'husband'. I'm more career bound. So that shit isn't softening me up at all.


We'll see what happens. Right now I'm letting things ride out. I've gotten advice from all sides--my parents say I should drop him and so does a friend of mine. Another friend says I should give him another chance only if he shows his willing to move up and on to better things. And yet another friend says all men are dogs. Listening to everyone is too confusing, and I feel kind of cold towards the whole thing, so I'm going to see where the cards fall.

To Friend or Not To Friend

I think I'm needy. Yep. Just a needy ass person. I always feel like I should be around someone, having a conversation or just chilling out. But it's not my fault--really. My "best friend" is extremely busy and has her own circle of friends, so she's stretched pretty thin. My "friends" also have their own circle of friends and are pretty involved with their finals right now. And my "acquaintances"....well, who the hell wants to hang out with them?


Maybe my problem is I don't have my own circle of friends. I have random friends, one here and one there. But none of them are consistent. And Boyfriend is in a different part of the country always. So he's no help. I guess--if I can sound like a whiny, needy person right now--what I need is 2 or 3 girlfriends, who we are all equal friends with that I can chat with on a daily basis and plan things with ("Hey, what are you doing later?" or "What's up this weekend?"). Then I'd be satisfied. But the question is: How does one gain a "circle" of friends? Is it pure luck (you all just happen live in the same apartment building, or have multiple courses together, or work together all the time) or do people actually work at building one?


And furthermore, what the hell is happening to me? I've never been a needy person. Hell, I'm in a 3-year long distance relationship. I was alway, always been a loner. Yes it's possible to change, but 180 degrees? Geesh. It's like social menopause. I suppose I could approach friendship like dating. Try different people out, and nix the bad ones. But that's how drama happens. And then you end up wanting nothing more than to sit in on a Saturday night with a bowl of popcorn and Family Guy not answering your phone.


Eh. I'll figure out something sooner or later.

The "Perks" of Having Breasts....

...are too many to name. Now that the winter season is over and it's time for women and men alike to start showing skin, my twin joys have been getting more and more attention from the opposite sex. It's not like I even attempt to draw attention though--honestly. I'll wear modest shirts, that don't expose more than my collar bone (just like mother taught me), and those two divas will just grab a man's eye path. But I've discovered something:


When in a man's world, it's better to walk softly and carry big tits.


They're usually in the way--my breasts, not men. Well, maybe men too. Seriously, they're flubbing around when you're working, complaining when you're in a bra for 12 hours....they're two lives of their own. However, they're here. And so I might as well come to terms with them.


In the last 24 hours I've received more free food than I care to share. Just from wearing a shirt that shows cleavage. For a broke college student, this is a golden find. Men are polite for no particular reason. I can be a spoiled brat and get along just fine--they'll look the other way (or rather down).

So does this mean I'm slutty? The girl who wears sweaters and jeans in the summer, has only had one partner in her lifetime (and is still with him) and prefers watching Ugly Betty than casual dating? To women, yes. Because I'm exploiting what I've become aware many women don't have. And that means war in Woman Land. But, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. If this means letting the goods get a little air every now and then, well so be it. I'm off to eat my free lunch....

I'm back....for good

Yep, I'm back. I've got a new job, so in a few short weeks I won't be dealing with the self-absorbed little freaks that consider themselves adults. I'll be dealing with (hopefully) more mature, considerate and intelligent adults who are actually paying bills and having a meaningful life.


Happy? Yes.


Bitter? Hell yes.


But I digress. I'm back for good. Now that I won't have the strict rules hanging over my head, I can write freely again. Please believe I enjoyed it. I'm not going to take up a whole blog filling you in on the Boyfriend, his pyschotic parents, my parents and all that jazz. That's too boring for even I to write. Instead, let's talk sex.

Penises, more specifically. After watching a glorious season of Sex and the City, I decided I wasn't sexually experienced enough. I didn't know a thing about penises. I mean, I know they come in different sizes, they hang differently, different colors, etc. But I've only seen two in my life. One of those penises now currently enjoys other penises, and the other's is Boyfriend's. So, what exactly am I missing out on? Are there actually bigger penises (in real life, not pornos) that surpass Boyfriend?


I did what any normal woman alone on a Saturday night would do. I Googled it. And came across this. On page 1, I was amused and satisfied. On page 2, I was disturbed. By page 3, I was seriously considering being a lesbian. Yuck. I, for one, have always scoffed at women who complain about penises being ugly....one can't help but wonder, what the hell do you think your vagina looks like? But, I was too through after seeing all of that dick. There's not enough wine in the world....