I just woke up from a nightmare. In it, I was married. It was weird. One day I'm single, living the carefree life, and the next, I'm due to get married in a few hours. What scared me about the dream was how realistic it was. I had this awful feeling of being trapped, like I couldn't wake up and all I knew was that I really, really didn't want to marry the guy (who happened to be Boyfriend). My heart kept saying, "You know you don't want to marry this guy, why are you here?!" And my head kept saying, "Because, we've been through so much! I owe it to him, right?" Either way, I was steadily moving towards matrimony throughout the dream.
My mother was a key instrument in the dream. She kept giving me her life-like pep talks about how not to worry, everyone has pre-wedding jitters. I would nod wide-eyed and then walk away zombie like. At one point, my old puppy love from high school showed up. He was all grown up and looking...well, he wasn't my crush back then for his IQ. Even he kept asking me, "Wait, you're getting married? Since when? WHY??" That didn't help.
All of my friends were shocked, because of the rush. No one believed me. One of my acquaintances even missed work so she could "witness" the catastrophe I was about to go through. "Ooh, I can't wait to see this!" she cackled, slipping on a pair of slacks at her home (don't ask).
Seeing my old puppy love really through me for a loop and I started thinking about being with him instead of Boyfriend (in the dream). My all-knowing mother had an answer for this, too: "Don't worry about it. When your father and I were first married, I had an ex-boyfriend who used to send me [love] letters all the time. He was so nice. I just kept them from your father. Eventually, they stopped." Thanks, Ma.
Finally, the day of my wedding happens. Everyone's smirking at me from the pews. I don't see a preacher. All I see is Boyfriend, standing there calm. I don't remember (in the dream) exchanging rings or anything. I feel like I'm about to be sick. I want to run, but I can't. I keep telling myself that it'll be fine, that these are just jitters. I owe it to him. One minute I'm at the altar, and the next I'm at a drive-thru with my parents with my father asking me to see my ring again. I show it to him, realizing that it's just the promise ring Boyfriend gave me a while ago. No big deal. [Reaches for small paper bag to hyperventilate....moves the bag aside to write] The dream was awful. After the marriage, before I woke up, there was a brief moment of just....pure unhappiness. It's hard to describe, I just knew I wasn't happy. Boyfriend stayed emotionless throughout the dream, which didn't help.
I awoke freaked the fuck out. What was that dream trying to tell me? I was too scared to even get pass that question. Yeesh.
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5 comments:
i've had the same dreams.
it has nothing to do with the ex. you're just nervous about growing, becoming a different person than who you were when you knew him.
you want to move on and go to the next stage of life but you are still tied to old habits.
it's a sign that you need to break free.
~dr ella
Thank you dr. ella, you are now and forever my blogging therapist!!
Don't worry, you're not alone. I've had dreams (somewhat related) of having a baby and I didn't have a boyfriend at the time so who knows where it came from. But those kind of dreams easily scare me half to death.
Smart girl! I've been having a recurring dream about dating one of my co-workers. It's kind of freaking me out, as there is NO attraction when I'm conscious.
Hey, thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving the wonderful comment :o) Was nice to read. Glad I found your blog too, it's a nice read.
Don't worry about the dream. Really. Dreams are simply the subconscious trying to solve issues we're dealing with. I have to agree with Ella, you're changing, growing, and naturally you question the choices you've made and are making. You're probably having a small fear of commitment, of settling for the wrong person, committing too soon, etc. All very natural feelings.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years now (as of Sep 1st) and I still have those dreams too. Rare but they happen. My MOM has those dreams about my dad still and they've been married 32 years. It's just little fears you're trying to work out in your sleep. Nothing at all to worry about. We ALL have them! ;o)
Acknowledge it, but don't read too much into it. Everything will be fine :o)
~Lily
http://dreaminglily.blogspot.com/
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