Yesterday I worked a 12 hour shift, from 9 a.m. till 10 p.m. thanks to me getting my second job. No big, though, I need the money and my family was getting on my nerves. We're leaving tomorrow for our family reunion, and as some of you may recall, I was also supposed to be seeing Boyfriend along the way. The plan was from to attend the family reunion from Thursday to Sunday, and then Sunday evening leave out to Indiana to see him. I would be taking 4 days of vacation ON TOP of the family reunion time to be with him. His only task? To get my ticket. I should've known.
The first problem arose when he miscalculated his money and realized he didn't have enough to buy the plane ticket. We argued about that for a while and for a minute, I refused to entertain the thought of taking the Greyhound back home, a 10+ hour ride. After bitching to my mother about it, she shook her head and chuckled, "Umph! You mean he's going to take his whole paycheck in order to pay for a one-way ticket for you? What a schmuck...". I realized I was being selfish, and if I really wanted to see him, I could make the sacrifice of taking the bus.
The second problem reared its ugly head after he opened his bank account, and was told it would be 10-14 business days before he would be able to receive his credit card along with the precious 3 number security code on the back. You know...the one that's needed to purchase anything online? Yeah. By the time the mailman arrived with that, it would be too late to by any ticket... and so I vented my frustration to him and his fallback answer was shouting at me, "I'm doing all I can!!!"
We pushed that problem aside when I repeatedly asked him to check the Greyhound site for ticket prices and what not, so that I could arrange for someone to pick me up. Today's Wednesday, and he's the king of procrastination, but me not knowing how I'm going to get home was not settling well with me.
Here's a little backstory:
Boyfriend has very minimum responsibility. You know this already. His parents have taken care of everything for him since creation, and now that he's a grown man, he still isn't motivated to do something until his mother calls bitching and complaining. Then he in turn bitches about being bitched at and reluctantly does it. Some man, huh? Remember, I had to bitch at him to get a job so that he could have money to travel this summer. And when he was given responsibility, to go to class, he ended up flunking out of the same class--twice and being kicked out of his music school.
What's funny about Boyfriend is that he thinks he's doing something. No, really! And that when people bitch at him the WHOLE WORLD must be against him, because he's doing everything in his sheer will power to do it right. He honestly told me a while ago that he was scouting a $1500 monitor for his computer--to play his game with. When I told him that was stupid, why not save that and buy a little car?, he reacted like that was a foreign concept. Having the ability to travel at will as opposed to sitting on your butt and playing your computer game? Easy choice, hands down. The computer game will obviously win every time.
Back to the present:
Last night, after making it home, I called him.
Boyfriend: Hello?
Me: Hey, how are you?
Boyfriend: Good... (I hear him move away from the phone to speak into his computer's mic, on his game no doubt)
I try to make conversation, and my head ends up getting bit off.
Me: What's your problem?!
Boyfriend: Nothing! I'm in p-v-p zone... (person versus person...apparently a very, very important zone in the game)
Me (sarcastically): Well, sorry to be getting in the way...
Boyfriend (distracted): What? Look, I don't need this attitude....
Me: (snapping) Do you just want me to call you back later?
Boyfriend: Whatever....yeah, that's fine.
Me: Fine, I'll call you tomorrow.
Boyfriend: Fine.
We slam the phone on each other. Y'all, I just worked a fucking 12-hour day!! What happened to, "Hey baby, how was your day? How you feeling?" I ended up calling back, of course, later on that night, and that's when we had the Greyhound fight. Here's the kicker: He wants me to take a bus from Indiana back home, arriving here approximately 5:30 in the morning.
"Boyfriend, I can't do that."
"YES YOU CAN!!!"
"No I can't! Who's going to come pick me up from the station at 5 in the morning? My parent's won't do that, they have to be at work at 8!"
"WELL, I'M TELLING YOU THAT'S AN OPTION AND YOU'RE REFUSING TO DO IT--"
"Honey, I'm a 20-year-old woman, and I don't have any business traveling that late a night...on the Greyhound...by myself...."
"I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN!! UGH!" Right, I'm stressing him out so bad...
"I can't travel like that! I wouldn't have a way to get home..."
"You could take a cab...."
"Are you fucking nuts? Taking a cab at 5:30 in the morning?"
"LOOK, I'VE TRIED THE BEST I CAN AND YOU HAVE OPTIONS AND YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKE THEM SO THAT'S IT. JUST DON'T COME! JUST DON'T COME THEN!"
(softly) "Well it looks like I'm not going to be able to..."
"FINE! DON'T COME! I'M GOING TO BED!!" (pause) "GOODNIGHT!!!"
(another pause...even softer) "Goodnight honey." And he slams the phone.
I was too stunned to even cry. I just looked at the phone for a few minutes and talked myself into calming down and going to sleep.
I think I'm fed up. No, no, I was fed up a while ago. Now I think I'm beyond that point. I feel trapped--I know he's not going to change, I sometimes wonder if there's someone out there who would be able to step up to the plate, but I can't leave him. Or rather, I'm scared to. Every time I try to talk to him about what's bothering me--his lack of will to be responsible (and a man), his immaturity, and his not seeing anything wrong with it, he jumps on the defense and it's like talking to a 2 year old with his fingers in his ear.
I don't know what to do....I'm open to suggestions...even from any asshole Anons who are bound to find this post...
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6 comments:
I know that a lot of guys aren't a fan of "The Talk" (I'm not a fan, either), but it sounds to me like you need to make a list of the things that absolutely have to change to make your relationship work for you and discuss it with him. I'm not talking about the little things that annoy you though, just the big ones that are bad enough to break up over.
For the record, I agree about the travelling late at night issue. At no point should he be trying to convince you to put yourself in a situation you are uncomfortable with and where feel unsafe. He may not understand how a woman feels when she travels alone late at night, but not every woman has the knowledge and skill to defend herself in a dangerous situation.
As upset as you feel right now, if Boyfriend has any potential whatsoever, I'm sure he feels bad about yelling at you over the phone. Hopefully he will realize that it wasn't appropriate and will apologize.
If things should not work out for you and Boyfriend... well we'll cross that bridge if we come to it. I wish you the best, though.
awww...thanks, bk!
Wow... I was trying to think of something to offer, but Bea hit the nail on the head. I hope you can reach the best outcome for your sweet self in the end. You can do it! (insert pom poms here)
Cheers,
Em
"I think I'm fed up. No, no, I was fed up a while ago. Now I think I'm beyond that point. I feel trapped--I know he's not going to change, I sometimes wonder if there's someone out there who would be able to step up to the plate, but I can't leave him. Or rather, I'm scared to. Every time I try to talk to him about what's bothering me--his lack of will to be responsible (and a man), his immaturity, and his not seeing anything wrong with it, he jumps on the defense and it's like talking to a 2 year old with his fingers in his ear."
holy. shit. are you sure we don't have the same boyfriend?! wow. i'm having the same issues. i honestly think it has a lot to do with their age, and the fact that overbearing parents killed them mentally.
i don't know how old yours is, but mine is 24 going on 12. he had everything handed to him all his life. he didn't even have a checking account until we started dating... he was 21! his mommy wrote out all his bills for him. anyway...
they have no relationship skills & everything with them is instant gratification, EVERYTHING. they don't care about the process, just the product. boyfriend doesn't care HOW you get there (even if that means endangering your own personal welfare taking a red eye greyhound), he just cared that you GET THERE.
i personally really hope you don't take that bus. if you do... you are just giving in to him. proving that he gan just go ahead and be completely irresponsible and you'll still come through for him.
don't get me wrong... it's a hell of a lot easier said then done. i've bought a plane ticket the borning of my flight and flown across the country because a boy asked me to. so i mean... you know.
it's just easier to tell someone else then take your own advice, you know? he's never going to learn though... and it hurts so fucking bad to hold your ground... but you have to or he's just going to keep assuming you'll be there.
i don't know... i'm sure things are going t be just fine, just remember that there are tons more out there. most that will kiss the ground that you walk on, so never EVER settle.
You know in your heart and HEAD what's best to do.
All I have to say is this. Love isn't enough for anyone, no matter what they say. Only you know if you have enough love between you BOTH to make everything else change. If he's not willing, there's nothing you can do, and the only thing you are doing is hurting the chances with the next guy, because he'll end up paying for everything this one's doing.
If you know you love him, if you know he'll try to make things work and understand you, then keep trying. Love is very precious and not to be thrown out.
But love is never all you need. It never is for any of us.
Guys will be guys, you're old enough to know this. They'll always get lost in video games, and they'll get annoyed when you interrupt. You know all the things men do that can be SO annoying. But if everything else fits, the little things like giving him "alone time" with his game, well, that doesn't matter so much.
My best advice is to weigh it out. Take time to yourself. Figure out what's more important at your stage in life. You're obviously ahead of him, can you wait that out? Are you willing to risk him never growing out of that stage? Only you know what your relationship really is.
~Lily
Since my girlfriend Lily just pointed me to this post and asked me to inject some testosterone and what little knowledge I may have into this thread, I'll share a few observations.
Obviously, he should have looked at more options, even if it meant cutting the visit short since it's foolish to send a young woman off alone at that time unless everyone's absolutely sure she could take care of herself and the area is well guarded at that time. Perhaps you'll need to rethink those plans.
Second, yes, a guy's alone time and game time are pretty important to us. However, with an upcoming visit, one would think he'd be more willing to yank himself away from the game for a few moments to make sure everything is in order and your concerns are addressed. It should be an important event coming up for him, too, right?
I suppose if the game is more important than cementing those plans, then you should think about skipping this opportunity and seeing if he'll shape up by the next one.
He is definitely lacking a drive to provide. I'm not saying he should go out and conquer the world (and it'd be mighty hypocritical of me to say so, since I'm not out conquering anything). However, he should be taking the steps to set up a life for himself (and hopefully his lady) by either working to save some cash or by trying classes once again. If he isn't at least looking to do either, then you'll have to assess whether he will be able to do so in a year or two, when it will be more critical that he does.
What's up to him is whether he will get his act together or not. What's up to you is whether you could live with this or not. I don't know you or your relationship, but those are the choices given to each of you.
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