....I might as well explore other religions. That sounds bad, doesn't it? Hmmm....
I was raised Baptist. My grandfather was a preacher, but he was the dirty, sleep-with-women-in-the-choir, bitter old man type of a preacher. Both of my parents were both raised in Baptist homes, and are conventional Christians. It's not surprising that their children were raised the same.
I've belonged to three churches in my life: 1) my grandfather's, who was, in all rights, not the ideal spiritual home for anyone in their right mind 2) a friend's of my dad who happened to be the preacher in the church. There were only 5 people in the congregation, my family. The others were the preacher, his wife, and the organist and 3) the church we currently belong to. Actually, I don't think of myself as one who "belongs" to the church. My dad fell in love with the church, and decided, as the head of the family, that was the church we would belong to. My mother doesn't care much for it, but to keep the peace she attends faithfully (like a good Christian woman would do), and my sister and I have no feelings towards it whatsoever. We were made to attend in the beginning, and when asked if we liked it or not, we responded "no". My dad decided that was too bad, and here we are.
Maybe it's my past and current experiences with these churches that have tainted my view of the religion, but in my opinion, it goes deeper than that. I never understood Christianity. I mean, yes, I can read and write and comprehend, I've read the whole Bible, and I've been deeply steeped in Christian philosophy my whole life. As I've gotten older, I guess...I've been wondering if it's for me.
I damn near had a mental breakdown last year as I agonized over whether having sex before marriage was right or wrong. Seriously. No Joke. I was in therapy for almost 6 months. Boyfriend was horrified (surprise, surprise) at the thought of being abstinent, and I made the decision whilst he was on spring break, which totally ruined it for him. I still feel bad about that one. Part of me, the one who knew she had an obligation to her faith to stop having sex and repent, tried to talk the other part of me, the one who knew that having sex with Boyfriend was more than just physical and it was an important part of our relationship, out of my "sinful ways".
Ack. That lasted for about 2 weeks. Then, I went to visit Boyfriend, and that theory flew out the window. I resolved that if I was going to go to Hell, it would be worth it.
It seemed the whole sex issue kind of opened a can of worms for me. I questioned the theory of temptation--why is something that is supposedly so wrong feel so right? Especially if you love someone. And wasn't reproduction a natural part of life? As I began to question these things, I also began to realize I didn't know jack about the history of my faith. Where did these ideas come from? Something told me it wasn't all from God.
This is where wikipedia came in. During my free time (which was sparse), when I wasn't sleep or blogging, I was learning about Christianity. No one told me it had such a bloody and hypocritical past! (I hope this doesn't offend anyone) Tons of people died as Christianity came on the scene and forced others to change their religion (pagans). I learned of the Gnostic Gospels. And the more I learned, the more my mentality slowly began to change. Seemed to me like there was more human intervention than I was taught in the Christian world.
This sparked my interest in learning about other religions, such as Buddhism. But they still didn't seem to do it for me. What am I missing?
I'm still searching. I've discovered a new one (that I won't name right now) that's really interesting, and really speaking to me. I cautiously asked Boyfriend what he knew about it:
Boyfriend: My ex-girlfriend was into it.
Me: What did you think about it?
Boyfriend: Not much. (Gah, he's so insightful....NOT)
Me: I mean, you didn't think anything about the fact that she was into it?
Boyfriend: Well, I thought it was kind of weird...but that's about it. Why, you're not getting into it are you?
Me: I'm just learning about it.
I changed the subject before he got suspicious. Till I decide what I want to do, I'll keep my journey to myself. It'll just be wikipedia and my little secret.
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Huh. Kudos to you for actually doing your homework and wanting to get behind a religion you actually feel passionately about. Many people just swallow what their parents spoonfeed them. I don't have the motivation for something like that, which is why agnosticism is my preference. It's much the same story with politics for me. Why vote if you don't to the research?
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