Alpha Female

Twin and I have a problem. That's now starting to get on my nerves. Wait. That's a lie. It's been getting on my nerves for a while now. I've just been too busy to dwell on it. But for whatever reason, I had enough time today to try to think it out.

We've got a silent competition going on...and I don't know why. Now that I think about it, this has happened before with another friend of mine. She is very pretty, but in an "exotic" way and had all the attention from guys. I didn't mind--my low self esteem forced me to accept the fact that she was just meant to have all the males...and I had books to keep me happy. When I started dating Boyfriend, and started taking pride in the way I looked, things between us changed. Old Friend suddenly started treating me as competition (for what is a question I'm still trying to figure out). Our dynamics changed and we're no longer in the same relationship that we used to be.





So goes it for Twin now. When I met her a year ago, I was the same happy tomboyish ole me, complete with baggy shirts and jeans, no makeup, etc. I scoffed at working out, ate like shit (because I lived in the dorms) yadda yadda yadda. And she was (and still is) attractive, took pride in her appearance, very used to getting attention from men (she reminded me of this quite often with her 'complaints' of how much men were bothering her), equal yadda yadda yadda. However, when I moved out of the dorms this past month and a half ago, started wearing makeup (I have more time on my hands now that class is out, and I'm working part time as a receptionist which means I can't scare the customers, I've actually got to check how I look), and actually started working out, our dynamics changed as well.

I find that she's constantly comparing herself to me. Both verbally and silently. For instance, she's self conscious because she doesn't have big breasts. I, on the other hand, am a D-cup. So she's constantly complaining about her chest, and even though I tell her, "Yeah, but you can wear cute tanks and tube tops..." the look on her face when I roll down in something showing cleavage speaks a thousand words. Am I a bad friend because I don't cover up to make her feel good about herself?

The list is endless. I called my mom who has two lifelong best friends to ask her what her thoughts were.

Mom: Well, I've never had competition between my friends.

Me: Of course not Mom. You're the only woman on this planet who has felt like any competition is going on between you and another woman.

Mom: Well I haven't! But then again, I was taken off the (dating) market at 19. So maybe if we had all still been single it would have been different. But as far as your situation goes, it sounds like the girl (Twin) now views you as a threat. Before, you weren't taking that much pride in the way you look and now you are. She was comfortable with that. But now you've found new friends, got a little bit more confidence and you're emanating that. Of course she's going to view you as competition now.

Me: Ugh! But why? I don't want this!

Mom: Look, everyone wants to have hair that's the bomb. Everyone wants to look the best. It's human nature. Don't change who you are to please her. And you better stop over analyzing and get over this. Why don't you just find some other friends to hang out with?

Me: You're right. I was just wondering what was going on. But thanks for the advice.

Mom: No prob.


Of course the friendship guru (Mom) is right. But still it sucks. Ah well. Keep marching onward.

Greener Pastures

I have a friend, of whom I'm insanely jealous of. I've always been. Ever since we were both in high school, I've always been her lackey. She's pretty in an exotic way, and she's adopted so she doesn't know what her background consists of. Men of all ages adore her. She's got this long luxurious hair, she exercises constantly so she has the body everyone wants, she has her own car (something that, I don't care how old you are, in college is coveted), and she has remarkable fashion sense. I used to hang with her, partly because she was my only "friend" and partly because I made her feel better about herself. You know, the whole "Oh here's my friend who's not as pretty as I am which makes me even more appealing" thing. And it was too a point that I didn't even try to fix myself up around her. For what? I knew that no matter what I did, she would be (and look) better at it.

I know, I know. The grass ain't always greener. She had trouble with her foster family, moved out at a young age, and she has serious trouble holding down a man. So in reality, I shouldn't be jealous of her. Then why am I? There's no self analysis here, readers, because I can't figure this one out.

Mama's Boy

I had to go to the zoo today for an Anthropology class, so I tagged along with a classmate of mine who just happen to have her boyfriend and his car in her possession. It was fun--we saw almost all of the animals, took a train ride, bumped small kids off the carousel...the usual. But one thing I noticed was that Classmate kept treating her boyfriend like he was her kid. Their conversations went along the lines of:

Classmate: Oh my God, we have to go get your passport today--
Classmate's Boyfriend: --hey wanna go kayaking?
Classmate: No, you can and I'll watch. (few minutes and other conversation passes by) Look at you! You need to get a haircut....and highlights.....
CB: Yeah, yeah....
CB: Oh! Crap! I forgot to set up that appointment for you to pay that parking ticket and....


It's got to be annoying as hell. I have new found respect for my boyfriend, because I just know I've sounded like that. What is it about women that pulls out the mother/secretary role in us? Is it because that's how we show our affection? Or are we desperately trying to show that we are capable of being a wife someday....is that the ultimate goal?


Friend (who we will now appropriately call "Twin", see "Cut From the Same Cloth") split with her boyfriend of four years about six months ago. She sounded just like me when she would talk about him--he was more of her man child than anything. She still maintains that she was the best thing that's ever happened to him. Apparently, he wasn't romantic enough for her, so she did what any fiercely independent young woman of the 21st century would do...she started complaining. Months went by with no results, she began to get fed up (despite admitting that he just wasn't the overly romantic type) and started thinking about seeking comfort elsewhere. But first, she gave him long talks and ultimatums, just like I would.

He didn't seem too concerned and she finally decided to split up. It was a nasty breakup. The short and short of it is she wanted him, but not for who he was, but who she wanted him to be (sounds familiar?). And when he didn't change, she was appalled. All the guys said she was hot, she was smart, independent, going somewhere--what more could he want?! Between me and you, probably a break from all that bitching.

Twin's boyfriend admitted during their nasty breakup that he had fallen out of love with her--and that he'd been feeling that way for several months (ouch). He began smoking weed incessantly (something that, according to Twin, he'd always been strongly against) and doing his own thing. Twin was baffled (and hurt). How could he do this to her?

To be honest, I felt more sorry for her boyfriend than for Twin. Partly because I got to see how I interacted with my own boyfriend. And now I'm seeing this with Classmate. Basically it's a pattern. I wonder if I can break it? During our last (huge) argument, Boyfriend told me that he needed a girlfriend, not his mother. The more I pay attention to my girlfriends, the more I see his point. From now on, I'm going to try to be more relaxed and lay off of Boyfriend....let's see how it works.

Best Friends Forever?

Today a friend and I went to go see Sex and the City. For lack of better words, it was amazing. I'm not a chick flick type of gal by any means (I boycotted Lifetime at the age of 13, much to my mother's horror), but I put up a white flag and checked it out. It's was full of laughs, tears (yes, even the bad ass, almighty CC had a few tears) and of course sex. What was more interesting was that it was about 5 young women in the audience. The rest were senior citizens. Huh. I guess if you can't get a fix in the bedroom you go to the big screen.

But I digress. The movie was fun and the new friend and I made plans to hang out more often. Here's the thing though: whenever I meet someone that I have common interests with, and can laugh at my corny jokes and agrees to hang out again, I get super excited. Finding friendships is a lot like finding a date. You can't rush it by any means, or force yourself on to people. You have to play it cool. The Friend that I mentioned in "Cut from the Same Cloth" and I are considered "best friends", however she is stretched between about 50 different people. Which is fine--for her. But for me, the more simple type, I would like a friend who isn't tied up with a million people and that can hang out on a regular basis. Is that too much to ask?


I feel like I lose independence when I talk....er, type like this. I shouldn't need anyone, right? I mean who needs friends when you've got good wine, a "Nick at Nite" line up and your computer? Certainly not me.


Maybe. It's a family joke that I've never had a true best friend. Which is only slightly true. I had two best friends in my adolescence years, but my family uprooted and moved across the country. Bye bye comrades! So for the last 5 years or so, I've been friendless. Plenty of acquaintances--you know, those "get together once or twice but they don't know truly shit about you" people. But never a friend, who calls each other up on a weekly basis just to hang out and see what's up with each other's lives. My so called "best friend" and I don't hang out often simply because we both work in the same field and so our schedules collide all the damn time. Plus, she's exactly like me, so it's get annoying have "me" around. Tell me, how does she qualify as a best friend then? Hmmm.


What is the recipe for a good friendship? Time? Compatibility? But what else, if any? What exactly is it that keeps one (i.e. me) from having a close group of gal pals à la Carrie Bradshaw? Is it simply that young women in today's age don't have time nor means to build friendships?

I'm going to try an experiment. Actually it's a really sucky one, but ah well....I'm in Film not Sciences. Anyway, this new friend is raw potential in a sort. She doesn't know too much about me, and I don't know too much about her. I'm going to actually try to build a friendship with her--but not in the creepy, stalker killer way. Just actually calling (I hate, hate, hate talking on the phone--something I'm trying to break out of), and inviting to things. I'll keep you posted.