The fight, pt. 1

Huh. I have a fight that happens to be the breaking point in my relationship, post about it, and receive some of the best advice I've had in a long time. Duly noted, peeps.

Anyway, I bet you're wondering what happened after that argument. Here we go:

After that night, I went to bed stunned. It was weird, I felt....cold, empty. I was contemplating breaking up with the supposed love of my life and I didn't feel much of anything. If there was something swimming around underneath the surface it was relief--which confused the hell out of me. Waking up and going to work was like...a dream. I kind of floated around my family, got into my car and made it work. Still no emotion. Sitting out in the parking lot, I called Boyfriend since he was clearly waiting until I made the first move. We made pleasant, awkward talk that happens when you know something's on the horizon. Finally, I took a deep breath and plunged in.

Me: Boyfriend, I've been thinking about last night and--

Boyfriend: --yes?

Me: --I just think that last night was the last straw. I didn't like what was said. You know, I just...don't know about...(insert me beginning to tear up)....what's going on with us and....we've been arguing a lot and you've been yelling a lot....


By now I was babbling and crying, and somewhere along my 10 minute spiel about how our relationship went wrong he understood what I was talking about.

Boyfriend: Well you just constantly talk to me like I haven't been trying my best. I just feel like my best isn't good enough for you, no matter what I do it isn't good enough!

Me: I know, and that's my problem. And you know, with school coming up and you getting ready to graduate next year and me being an RA on top of all of my other activities and me pledging for a sorority in the spring, I just feel like I need someone strong to be there....and....not yell at me when we have a decision to make and they don't want to be bothered with it because I can't...won't...take it and I just don't think it's fair...


Boyfriend: (long pause) Then what do you want to do?

Me (taking multiple deep breaths before saying) I think....we should...take a break.

Readers, that was the hardest thing I've ever had to say. Ever. I may not have felt any emotions the night before, but as I said that it felt like some type of knife had went through me. What was I saying? Was I breaking up with him?

Boyfriend: So you're breaking up with me.

Me: No! I'm just asking to take a break...just for the summer...

Boyfriend: Bullshit! That's what people say when they want to break up!

Me: Boyfriend, please!

Boyfriend: No, you know what? Fine. Fine. You want to break up, let's break up! Okay? Fine. We're done. I don't need this....

And there was the infamous click of him hanging up on me. By this time I had about 2 minutes to get my brown ass into the building and clock in, so I went back into stunned mode, wiped my eyes, got out of the car and went in.

Inside my manager and co-worker were standing behind the desk talking (something they do often). They greeted me and I put on a false, plastic smile, returning the favor. After settling in, I tuned in to what they were gossiping about. Ironically, they were talking about having a shitty day.

Manager: Yeah, so I got to the job that I'm interviewing for, 30 minutes early, and they never show!

Me: What?

Manager: Yep, and then an hour after I had been there, they called wondering where I was! I was like, you know what? Screw this....

Co-worker: Yeah, I'm just...(throws up her hands)...not having a good day in general.

Me: Well, you know what? I just broke up with my boyfriend.

Coworker and Manager: (stunned silence)

Me: Yep. Of 2 years. Just now. In the parking lot. So I win.

I attached a fake smile to my face again and looked at the gaped mouths.

Manager: Wow.

Co-worker: That sucks.

Manager: Are you okay?

Me: Yep. I'm fine.

I vented to them for a while, telling them what a bastard he was, how sorry he was, how sick he made me, etc. They agreed that I should hate him, I was wasting my time, and so forth. As I was taking a breath my phone rang. It was Boyfriend.

Boyfriend: Hey.

Me (with manager looking at me): Hey.

Boyfriend: I'm sorry.

Me: Me too.

Boyfriend: I shouldn't have said that.

Me: I know. Look, can we finish this later? I'm on the clock and I really shouldn't be on the phone....

Boyfriend (sounding relieved that I still wanted to talk to him): Yeah...

About halfway through my shift, I say, "Wow, I just...I'm sorry. I just feel like I'm moving through water."

Manager: Oh, God, you're not a crier are you?

Me: Nah. Do I look like the type to cry?

Manager (obviously relieved): Nope. Just making sure.

Wow. This post is gaining length. Tell you the rest tomorrow.