So long!!!

Okay, okay...so I've been a bad blogger.

Whack! Whack!

That is the sound of me hitting myself upside the head as punishment. Things got crazy over the last year (quick recap: a shit ton of stress, severe depression, therapy, a small epiphany, and then better mental and spiritual health) and I just did not have the time to think, let alone write. So for those of you who had been following me faithfully, I do apologize. But as fellow human beings yourself, you understand. Right?

Anyway, I'm starting a new blog. It marks the end of the Junior Chronicles (since I'm in my last semester of my senior year) and then end of a chapter in my life. Ready for a new ride? Good. But don't worry. I'm still a dork.

Da New Link: http://alildoseofreality.blogspot.com/


XOXO,
The Chronicler

Work In Progress

So goes my relationship. Boyfriend finally made his way to see me and to risk sounding very mushy...it was wonderful. We've been communicating, which is a big deal because we stopped doing that about 2 years ago. After our very big fight/break up, he did a complete 180 with talking. And so did I. I'm trying to stop telling my mother every thing that happens between Boyfriend and me. I'm also trying to work on being honest and to the point--as opposed to hoping he'll figure things out on his own. This includes me not talking to him like an idiot all the time. The last one is really hard sometimes, especially when he's getting on my nerves.

In return, he's being more proactive with our relationship in general. He lets me know what's going on with him (right now, applying for graduation) and is being open with me about what he's doing with his future. I'm trying to let him do his own thing and not be so nagging--I'll let you know how that works out.


But anyway, he came up for a few days. I'm in a 2 bedroom apartment by myself right now, so we had the whole place for his vacay. We rented movies, went to a family bar-b-que, hung out with some of my friends for a while and when we weren't romping around, we were in bed (ahem, ahem). The last night he was here we got all dressed up to go out to a club. Boyfriend is socially awkward, and got too dressed up (he looked like he was going to church). When I mentioned it, he became super self conscious and finally revealed that he didn't really feel comfortable going to a club. Instead, we walked all dolled up to the local Blockbuster, rented Knocked Up, and watched it in the bed, fully clothed, with a bowl of fruit and a bottle of wine. We hadn't had time to be that romantic in a long time and it was very nice. Today when Boyfriend left, I cried for hours.

Alpha Female

Twin and I have a problem. That's now starting to get on my nerves. Wait. That's a lie. It's been getting on my nerves for a while now. I've just been too busy to dwell on it. But for whatever reason, I had enough time today to try to think it out.

We've got a silent competition going on...and I don't know why. Now that I think about it, this has happened before with another friend of mine. She is very pretty, but in an "exotic" way and had all the attention from guys. I didn't mind--my low self esteem forced me to accept the fact that she was just meant to have all the males...and I had books to keep me happy. When I started dating Boyfriend, and started taking pride in the way I looked, things between us changed. Old Friend suddenly started treating me as competition (for what is a question I'm still trying to figure out). Our dynamics changed and we're no longer in the same relationship that we used to be.





So goes it for Twin now. When I met her a year ago, I was the same happy tomboyish ole me, complete with baggy shirts and jeans, no makeup, etc. I scoffed at working out, ate like shit (because I lived in the dorms) yadda yadda yadda. And she was (and still is) attractive, took pride in her appearance, very used to getting attention from men (she reminded me of this quite often with her 'complaints' of how much men were bothering her), equal yadda yadda yadda. However, when I moved out of the dorms this past month and a half ago, started wearing makeup (I have more time on my hands now that class is out, and I'm working part time as a receptionist which means I can't scare the customers, I've actually got to check how I look), and actually started working out, our dynamics changed as well.

I find that she's constantly comparing herself to me. Both verbally and silently. For instance, she's self conscious because she doesn't have big breasts. I, on the other hand, am a D-cup. So she's constantly complaining about her chest, and even though I tell her, "Yeah, but you can wear cute tanks and tube tops..." the look on her face when I roll down in something showing cleavage speaks a thousand words. Am I a bad friend because I don't cover up to make her feel good about herself?

The list is endless. I called my mom who has two lifelong best friends to ask her what her thoughts were.

Mom: Well, I've never had competition between my friends.

Me: Of course not Mom. You're the only woman on this planet who has felt like any competition is going on between you and another woman.

Mom: Well I haven't! But then again, I was taken off the (dating) market at 19. So maybe if we had all still been single it would have been different. But as far as your situation goes, it sounds like the girl (Twin) now views you as a threat. Before, you weren't taking that much pride in the way you look and now you are. She was comfortable with that. But now you've found new friends, got a little bit more confidence and you're emanating that. Of course she's going to view you as competition now.

Me: Ugh! But why? I don't want this!

Mom: Look, everyone wants to have hair that's the bomb. Everyone wants to look the best. It's human nature. Don't change who you are to please her. And you better stop over analyzing and get over this. Why don't you just find some other friends to hang out with?

Me: You're right. I was just wondering what was going on. But thanks for the advice.

Mom: No prob.


Of course the friendship guru (Mom) is right. But still it sucks. Ah well. Keep marching onward.

Greener Pastures

I have a friend, of whom I'm insanely jealous of. I've always been. Ever since we were both in high school, I've always been her lackey. She's pretty in an exotic way, and she's adopted so she doesn't know what her background consists of. Men of all ages adore her. She's got this long luxurious hair, she exercises constantly so she has the body everyone wants, she has her own car (something that, I don't care how old you are, in college is coveted), and she has remarkable fashion sense. I used to hang with her, partly because she was my only "friend" and partly because I made her feel better about herself. You know, the whole "Oh here's my friend who's not as pretty as I am which makes me even more appealing" thing. And it was too a point that I didn't even try to fix myself up around her. For what? I knew that no matter what I did, she would be (and look) better at it.

I know, I know. The grass ain't always greener. She had trouble with her foster family, moved out at a young age, and she has serious trouble holding down a man. So in reality, I shouldn't be jealous of her. Then why am I? There's no self analysis here, readers, because I can't figure this one out.

Mama's Boy

I had to go to the zoo today for an Anthropology class, so I tagged along with a classmate of mine who just happen to have her boyfriend and his car in her possession. It was fun--we saw almost all of the animals, took a train ride, bumped small kids off the carousel...the usual. But one thing I noticed was that Classmate kept treating her boyfriend like he was her kid. Their conversations went along the lines of:

Classmate: Oh my God, we have to go get your passport today--
Classmate's Boyfriend: --hey wanna go kayaking?
Classmate: No, you can and I'll watch. (few minutes and other conversation passes by) Look at you! You need to get a haircut....and highlights.....
CB: Yeah, yeah....
CB: Oh! Crap! I forgot to set up that appointment for you to pay that parking ticket and....


It's got to be annoying as hell. I have new found respect for my boyfriend, because I just know I've sounded like that. What is it about women that pulls out the mother/secretary role in us? Is it because that's how we show our affection? Or are we desperately trying to show that we are capable of being a wife someday....is that the ultimate goal?


Friend (who we will now appropriately call "Twin", see "Cut From the Same Cloth") split with her boyfriend of four years about six months ago. She sounded just like me when she would talk about him--he was more of her man child than anything. She still maintains that she was the best thing that's ever happened to him. Apparently, he wasn't romantic enough for her, so she did what any fiercely independent young woman of the 21st century would do...she started complaining. Months went by with no results, she began to get fed up (despite admitting that he just wasn't the overly romantic type) and started thinking about seeking comfort elsewhere. But first, she gave him long talks and ultimatums, just like I would.

He didn't seem too concerned and she finally decided to split up. It was a nasty breakup. The short and short of it is she wanted him, but not for who he was, but who she wanted him to be (sounds familiar?). And when he didn't change, she was appalled. All the guys said she was hot, she was smart, independent, going somewhere--what more could he want?! Between me and you, probably a break from all that bitching.

Twin's boyfriend admitted during their nasty breakup that he had fallen out of love with her--and that he'd been feeling that way for several months (ouch). He began smoking weed incessantly (something that, according to Twin, he'd always been strongly against) and doing his own thing. Twin was baffled (and hurt). How could he do this to her?

To be honest, I felt more sorry for her boyfriend than for Twin. Partly because I got to see how I interacted with my own boyfriend. And now I'm seeing this with Classmate. Basically it's a pattern. I wonder if I can break it? During our last (huge) argument, Boyfriend told me that he needed a girlfriend, not his mother. The more I pay attention to my girlfriends, the more I see his point. From now on, I'm going to try to be more relaxed and lay off of Boyfriend....let's see how it works.

Best Friends Forever?

Today a friend and I went to go see Sex and the City. For lack of better words, it was amazing. I'm not a chick flick type of gal by any means (I boycotted Lifetime at the age of 13, much to my mother's horror), but I put up a white flag and checked it out. It's was full of laughs, tears (yes, even the bad ass, almighty CC had a few tears) and of course sex. What was more interesting was that it was about 5 young women in the audience. The rest were senior citizens. Huh. I guess if you can't get a fix in the bedroom you go to the big screen.

But I digress. The movie was fun and the new friend and I made plans to hang out more often. Here's the thing though: whenever I meet someone that I have common interests with, and can laugh at my corny jokes and agrees to hang out again, I get super excited. Finding friendships is a lot like finding a date. You can't rush it by any means, or force yourself on to people. You have to play it cool. The Friend that I mentioned in "Cut from the Same Cloth" and I are considered "best friends", however she is stretched between about 50 different people. Which is fine--for her. But for me, the more simple type, I would like a friend who isn't tied up with a million people and that can hang out on a regular basis. Is that too much to ask?


I feel like I lose independence when I talk....er, type like this. I shouldn't need anyone, right? I mean who needs friends when you've got good wine, a "Nick at Nite" line up and your computer? Certainly not me.


Maybe. It's a family joke that I've never had a true best friend. Which is only slightly true. I had two best friends in my adolescence years, but my family uprooted and moved across the country. Bye bye comrades! So for the last 5 years or so, I've been friendless. Plenty of acquaintances--you know, those "get together once or twice but they don't know truly shit about you" people. But never a friend, who calls each other up on a weekly basis just to hang out and see what's up with each other's lives. My so called "best friend" and I don't hang out often simply because we both work in the same field and so our schedules collide all the damn time. Plus, she's exactly like me, so it's get annoying have "me" around. Tell me, how does she qualify as a best friend then? Hmmm.


What is the recipe for a good friendship? Time? Compatibility? But what else, if any? What exactly is it that keeps one (i.e. me) from having a close group of gal pals à la Carrie Bradshaw? Is it simply that young women in today's age don't have time nor means to build friendships?

I'm going to try an experiment. Actually it's a really sucky one, but ah well....I'm in Film not Sciences. Anyway, this new friend is raw potential in a sort. She doesn't know too much about me, and I don't know too much about her. I'm going to actually try to build a friendship with her--but not in the creepy, stalker killer way. Just actually calling (I hate, hate, hate talking on the phone--something I'm trying to break out of), and inviting to things. I'll keep you posted.

....&On

Eh. I'm tired. I started a new full time job, I'm taking summer classes, and I had to move into my new apartment. It all happened within a week. So it's Friday (my job is 7 days a week) and while most peeps will be kicking off their shoes to rest after a busy week, I'm just happy to get in bed for a couple of hours before heading back to the job again.


Boyfriend and I are back together. He's working odd jobs to save money to come and see me (he's actually got money in the bank), and I'm relaxing--as much as a person with a Type A personality can.

My younger sister's graduation was a week ago and I traveled down to my hometown to see her walk. The family rejoiced with lots of food and beer, and I saw Boyfriend. I was glad to see him--we actually made out like we were teenagers. He had a couple of bucks and wanted to take me to a jazz club he liked, so we headed out for a night on the town. Unfortunately, the jazz club had a cover charge (something I never pay unless I've been pining to go there for years) and he was operating on limited funds, so we headed to a less sophisticated but younger bar. I wasn't feeling well, but didn't want our efforts to fail in vain, so he bought me a drink and we sipped and took pictures.


Overall, it was a good time. There was no sex, which made it even sweeter, because he's still not out of the doghouse completely. However, if he makes it up here, I might have to end this fight--a girl can only go too long with getting booty.

Cut From The Same Cloth...

I have a friend who is a lot like me. Scarily, actually. She's opinionated, has to know and do everything, she's bossy, attractive (according to the hordes of men that she says are always trying to talk to her) and she knows it.....yadda yadda yadda, she's me. Which is fine. Except for she drives me nuts sometimes.


A question that has been on my mind is: What if I dated someone who was the opposite of Boyfriend--and exactly like me? We would be like minded a lot like Friend and I are. We would worry about similar things all the time (I'm a worry wart--and actually had to do some time in therapy because my obsessing was getting out of control), we would fight because both of us would have to be right all the time or close to it, we would need to know what's going on because over all we would both be control freaks.


The very thought is terrifying. I'm not taking up for Boyfriend, who is the complete opposite of me, but I am saying that I don't think I would want to date someone who would be a lot like me. So the question is: what do I want? How does one figure that out?

Boys will be Boys

Boyfriend and I broke up.


Sort of.


He was supposed to graduate from college this month. Keep in mind he's been in school for five years. His parents (who are paying for his education) told him that he needed to graduate or else ("else" being cut off from the financial tit). So, he tried to take on 22 credits. Actually, I was impressed. He managed to juggle those classes all the way up until late March, early April. I didn't honestly think he had it in him. But throughout that whole ordeal he didn't mention what he wanted post graduation. I kept asking, and I kept getting vague answers or no answers at all. He said the reason he never wanted to talk about it was because I always had a hostile tone. I told him the only reason I had a hostile tone was because he never wanted to talk about it.


Anyway, during one argument, it came out that he wasn't graduating. Of course, I was pissed. Why didn't I know ahead of time? I had taken off days from work and had started to plan coming to see him. I was even trying to prepare myself for dealing with his family. "This is just what I mean," I told him. "You never tell me what's going on with you--what your plans are." My mom suggested he was probably embarrassed to tell me. But still.


So he packed and went down to stay with his parents for a few weeks before coming back to his school and taking the one class he had to drop so he could get his diploma. Fine. I asked him if he would be working during those few weeks, and at first he was "Oh, yeah yeah, I'm going to go get a temp job." This turned into a half ass attempt to find a temp job, clearly a ploy just to keep me happy. But I was sick of not knowing when I was going to see him because he never had any money, and not knowing if this was going to continue for the rest of our relationship. He doesn't seem to have any drive to do anything. He has these goals, but no motivation to make them happy. Boyfriend is completely okay with just having things fall into his lap.


And I wasn't having it. I called him up a couple of weeks ago, and just let my heart sing. I told him I wanted a break, which at first he said 'no' to. However, once he realized I wasn't backing down this time, he said that was fine. And I told him that I didn't know if we could have a future together because he's not responsible, and okay with that. "I need someone that I can rely on," I said, "and that I know I can build a future with."


He admitted that he understood he had been in the wrong to keep me out of knowing what his plans were, and that he needed "to do more on his part". He also said that he was willing to do whatever it took to keep me in his life. I reminded him that he's sang this song before, just not as loudly, and that whenever it came time for him to get a job, something always came up. I didn't trust him anymore and I was questioning whether we had the same ideas about our future--maybe we're incompatible.


For the last week, he's been sounding miserable on the phone--but I'm not giving in. I told him I needed to see improvement on his part in the form of concrete actions (getting a job or some means of money and making plans to see each other on our own time) before we moved any further. And since then he's been all talk about our "future" (kids, living together, etc.). Hmph. I've never been one of those young women who's ideal future is kids and calling someone 'husband'. I'm more career bound. So that shit isn't softening me up at all.


We'll see what happens. Right now I'm letting things ride out. I've gotten advice from all sides--my parents say I should drop him and so does a friend of mine. Another friend says I should give him another chance only if he shows his willing to move up and on to better things. And yet another friend says all men are dogs. Listening to everyone is too confusing, and I feel kind of cold towards the whole thing, so I'm going to see where the cards fall.

To Friend or Not To Friend

I think I'm needy. Yep. Just a needy ass person. I always feel like I should be around someone, having a conversation or just chilling out. But it's not my fault--really. My "best friend" is extremely busy and has her own circle of friends, so she's stretched pretty thin. My "friends" also have their own circle of friends and are pretty involved with their finals right now. And my "acquaintances"....well, who the hell wants to hang out with them?


Maybe my problem is I don't have my own circle of friends. I have random friends, one here and one there. But none of them are consistent. And Boyfriend is in a different part of the country always. So he's no help. I guess--if I can sound like a whiny, needy person right now--what I need is 2 or 3 girlfriends, who we are all equal friends with that I can chat with on a daily basis and plan things with ("Hey, what are you doing later?" or "What's up this weekend?"). Then I'd be satisfied. But the question is: How does one gain a "circle" of friends? Is it pure luck (you all just happen live in the same apartment building, or have multiple courses together, or work together all the time) or do people actually work at building one?


And furthermore, what the hell is happening to me? I've never been a needy person. Hell, I'm in a 3-year long distance relationship. I was alway, always been a loner. Yes it's possible to change, but 180 degrees? Geesh. It's like social menopause. I suppose I could approach friendship like dating. Try different people out, and nix the bad ones. But that's how drama happens. And then you end up wanting nothing more than to sit in on a Saturday night with a bowl of popcorn and Family Guy not answering your phone.


Eh. I'll figure out something sooner or later.

The "Perks" of Having Breasts....

...are too many to name. Now that the winter season is over and it's time for women and men alike to start showing skin, my twin joys have been getting more and more attention from the opposite sex. It's not like I even attempt to draw attention though--honestly. I'll wear modest shirts, that don't expose more than my collar bone (just like mother taught me), and those two divas will just grab a man's eye path. But I've discovered something:


When in a man's world, it's better to walk softly and carry big tits.


They're usually in the way--my breasts, not men. Well, maybe men too. Seriously, they're flubbing around when you're working, complaining when you're in a bra for 12 hours....they're two lives of their own. However, they're here. And so I might as well come to terms with them.


In the last 24 hours I've received more free food than I care to share. Just from wearing a shirt that shows cleavage. For a broke college student, this is a golden find. Men are polite for no particular reason. I can be a spoiled brat and get along just fine--they'll look the other way (or rather down).

So does this mean I'm slutty? The girl who wears sweaters and jeans in the summer, has only had one partner in her lifetime (and is still with him) and prefers watching Ugly Betty than casual dating? To women, yes. Because I'm exploiting what I've become aware many women don't have. And that means war in Woman Land. But, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. If this means letting the goods get a little air every now and then, well so be it. I'm off to eat my free lunch....

I'm back....for good

Yep, I'm back. I've got a new job, so in a few short weeks I won't be dealing with the self-absorbed little freaks that consider themselves adults. I'll be dealing with (hopefully) more mature, considerate and intelligent adults who are actually paying bills and having a meaningful life.


Happy? Yes.


Bitter? Hell yes.


But I digress. I'm back for good. Now that I won't have the strict rules hanging over my head, I can write freely again. Please believe I enjoyed it. I'm not going to take up a whole blog filling you in on the Boyfriend, his pyschotic parents, my parents and all that jazz. That's too boring for even I to write. Instead, let's talk sex.

Penises, more specifically. After watching a glorious season of Sex and the City, I decided I wasn't sexually experienced enough. I didn't know a thing about penises. I mean, I know they come in different sizes, they hang differently, different colors, etc. But I've only seen two in my life. One of those penises now currently enjoys other penises, and the other's is Boyfriend's. So, what exactly am I missing out on? Are there actually bigger penises (in real life, not pornos) that surpass Boyfriend?


I did what any normal woman alone on a Saturday night would do. I Googled it. And came across this. On page 1, I was amused and satisfied. On page 2, I was disturbed. By page 3, I was seriously considering being a lesbian. Yuck. I, for one, have always scoffed at women who complain about penises being ugly....one can't help but wonder, what the hell do you think your vagina looks like? But, I was too through after seeing all of that dick. There's not enough wine in the world....

Missing my blogging

There will be a time, I guarantee, where I will be able to blog freely. Of course, this would require that I am not a RA... so..... yeah. Boo.

Standing Ground

Blah. There comes a time when you live in a little 4 by 4 dorm room and you realize you can't find anything important because your floor is covered with clothes, bottles of water, important papers, etc. that you might want to vacuum.

Time for another tale.


If you look over to the right you'll see that I added two new people: one is my mentor, who we'll call Workaholic, and my newest good friend who shall be named Twin (we're so much alike its scary). Just so that you folks will know what the hell I'm babbling about.


Once upon a time I had a vision--to have a small, quaint book club on campus for students, so that they could relax (you know, I'm always thinking about other people....). I didn't know shit about starting an org and the ends and outs with dealing with the corrupt student gov, so Workaholic stepped in and took me under my wing. Under her tutelage, I learned how to apply for grants, she secured me an office, etc. And of course, I named her vice president of my org.

After that, I set about applying for small grants, making plans to advertise, creating a website for the org, getting furniture for our office (she's sharing the office as well), picking up keys, reminding her of deadlines, etc.

Last week, before I left for my vacay, we sat down and decided that we would go up to the student government for money to go to the National Black Book Conference in Atlanta next fall. She gave me examples of what to fill out, pretty much handed me all the information and told me to make sure to get in by the deadline, Friday. My book club is multicultural. And after calculating the costs for the trip, $3000, I rethought asking for the money and decided (without letting her know) that I would wait until next year when we had actual members (I haven't even had the chance or funds to start advertising) to find a book club conference that wasn't limited to just one genre of books and try to attend that.

Today she sent me an IM asking if I turned in the papers, and I told her no, and explained why. Understandably, she was pissed and in a roundabout way accused me of being scared to ask for funding which was coming from our money anyway. I apologized and promised to find a more suitable conference. She kind of just stopped IMing me, her own way of ignoring me. At first, I felt guilty but justified. I mean, hell, I am the President of the org. Then after talking the situation over with Mom I felt guilty and immature. However, I'm definitely NOT looking forward to apologizing to her in her face. To be completely honest, she kind of scares me.

Anywho, Till next time...

Updates?

Isn't there a fine line between being an artist and being an idiot? There's gotta be. Or else, I'm screwed.

It's been awhile, folks. And as usual, I have a reason for it--not knowing what I can and can't write about. My last post was before I found out about FERPA (The Family Education Rights and Privacy Act) and how my bosses surf the net for incriminating blogs. I can't even pretend that I'm bad ass--that scared the shit out of me. How the hell was I going to blog when my life was consumed by idiot residents and their shenanigans?


From my last post until about last week, I was a RA. Not a person, a human being with feelings, emotions, a need to vent--I was (and still am) owned by University Housing. When they tell you that being a RA is basically being in a fishbowl, they are NOT kidding. Everywhere I went, residents were watching, waiting for me to fuck up, etc. My bosses were everywhere because they live in the dorms, too. And apparently, there is a secret world in RA land where RAs and security date each other, become bestest friends, worst enemies, and are practically each others lives for the next 1-3 years. I don't know about y'all, but I was NOT having that shit.


No, I didn't quit. But I did have to accomplish putting the fear of God into the hearts of my rezs (residents), programming for the little fuckers, attending shit loads of meetings, classes, filming, battling gossip that was stemming from some of my insecure coworkers, dealing with not having enough time suddenly for my family, getting shit together for my book club (a new organization here on campus) that I'm the president of, and dealing with Boyfriend. Needless to say I didn't have time to breathe, sleep and sometimes, bathe.


But, I press on. I was in hyperdrive for three months, and then Boyfriend bought me a ticket to come see him for his homecoming. I went, did the usual, and came back. Now I'm trying to work myself back up in a frenzy again so that I can finish out the next 6 weeks. And it ain't happenin. I came back today to find my decorations that I put up ripped down, along with fliers and a bulletin board I worked semi-hard on. The little shit eaters had moved furniture, and probably partied it up once they realized I wasn't around. I was pissed off for about 15 minutes and then I went into a depressed mode. I didn't realize post-vacay made you so damned lazy.


So, what do you do when you're in charge of 72 asswhipes and their social development skills, a blossoming student org, filming for portfolio and editing another for the same purpose (which are both due the 2nd week of December), working on a required conceptual studies project (don't ask....), and trying to maintain your relationships with the people you love?


You ditch two classes, say "Fuck it" for your To Do list for today, crawl into bed, eat a bag of M&Ms, Funyuns, and slurp down tons of soda.

Trust me, I have more to talk about: my mentor/vice prez of my org is pissed off at me right now, the Saved Sinners have been in trouble with the law, Boyfriend and I are forever dealing with issues, and I'm constipated. Yup.

Till next time...

Life as a Resident Assistant...

....now means I have no life at all.


That's right.

I'm back. Sorry it took me so long guys, but working two jobs this summer took a lot of out of me (I think it was because of all the emotional situations) and I really wasn't in the mood to come home and recap my sucky life via blogging. No offense.

Anyway, there haven't really been to many things going on to do an extensive update, but I WILL say that Boyfriend and I are still together, I'm back at school now (2 weeks early) and as the students come filing in so will more stories. After all, this is called "The Sophomore Chronicles". It's kind of based around school.

But picking back up on the title....yep, I'm a Resident Assistant. Free room and board, a monthly stipend and a shit load of stress. I get to clean up after folks who are experiencing all the wonderful aspects of living away from Mommy and Daddy, scold those who break Housing policies, become a social leper in my current (small) circle of friends because I'm now the enforcer, and pretty much hate life in general. I know I sound depressing, but that's because the situation is depressing. And the only reason I'm doing it is because I'm dead broke and saving $8000 on student loans this year seemed like a grand idea.

My staff (the people who are RAs with me) are pretty cool (so far) but I have a feeling that as time goes on the drama will definitely rear its ugly head. It always does. Which is good for you. Because then you'll have something entertaining to read while you're at work.

I played some volleyball today with my staff just to show that I was part of the "team" and it was actually pretty fun. Huh. I'm definitely NOT the sports type at all, but I was able to hit the ball a couple of times. And I got to bat my eyelashes at some of my cute coworkers.

One thing that is going to be interesting to blog about is my female coworkers and their obsession with weight. Going to breakfast, lunch or anything that even remotely has to do with the digestive system is great--its like watching the Discovery Channel. They are COMPLETELY scared of a pound or two, which in my humble opinion, would do them good. They always stare at me when I eat, which is an odd combination of amusing and insulting. Thank God Boyfriend prefers a little meat on me or else I'd probably join the ranks of the bulimic.

Alright, no point in wasting a good post rattling on about what I'll be posting about in the future, I just wanted to stop in and let everyone know I'm not dead. Or in jail.


Till next time...

The fight, pt. 2

Okay, click here for the link to pt. 1.


Note: Since it's been so long, I'm just going to post the Cliffnotes version...


I don't know how I finished work. I swam through it miraculously. When I made it home, I got myself together, and called him. Because it's been a while, I don't remember what our conversation went like, but the general idea idea was that he was frustrated because I was treating him like a son, and not like a boyfriend, and of course, I was frustrated because I felt like I couldn't trust him with ANYTHING that had a smidge of responsibility! We hashed it out for a while before coming to a truce:


Me: Do you think you could possibly be a little more responsible next time?

Boyfriend: Yeah, if you think you could not become my mother all the time....

Me (hesitantly): Yeah...I guess.....


Okay, okay, no one ever said I wasn't a control freak. I'm the eldest of three kids in my family and I always had a shit load of responsibility. Anyway, we got off the phone and I ran to my closest advisor when Boyfriend was acting an ass....my mother. Surprisingly, she agreed with him.

"CC," she sighed, "you can't mother him. He already has a mother, and he can't stand her! And here he is dating this girl that he's crazy about, and she's turning into his mother! You can drive a person away like that. You're going to have to trust him. Now, if you say, 'Boyfriend, could you do x-y-z' and he agrees and doesn't do it, then you can say 'okay, enough is enough' and start looking for someone else. But if he hasn't messed up yet, you can't blame him."

"Well, he did say that I can force him to do things on my time," I answered thoughtfully.

"Right," she agreed, "you can't. You're a control freak, we know this, but you're going to have to learn how to trust him and give him breathing room. Boyfriend is.....he grew up differently than you. He's trying to find his own way in becoming a young man and you've got to remember that."

Huh. As usual, good advice. About a week after we fought, he bought a plane ticket and I paid for the connecting bus tickets. I was happy, he was happy, and (surprise, surprise) the fighting stopped. But it didn't come to a sugary stop, you know, like one day I'm ready to kill him and the next I'm lovey-dovey....there were awkward days in between, no doubt. And we had a few mini-arguments in between that as well. But all in all, we're back on civil speaking terms with each other and our stress levels have dropped. So all is well.


Okay, I'm off to write an update post....you guys deserve it.

The fight, pt. 1

Huh. I have a fight that happens to be the breaking point in my relationship, post about it, and receive some of the best advice I've had in a long time. Duly noted, peeps.

Anyway, I bet you're wondering what happened after that argument. Here we go:

After that night, I went to bed stunned. It was weird, I felt....cold, empty. I was contemplating breaking up with the supposed love of my life and I didn't feel much of anything. If there was something swimming around underneath the surface it was relief--which confused the hell out of me. Waking up and going to work was like...a dream. I kind of floated around my family, got into my car and made it work. Still no emotion. Sitting out in the parking lot, I called Boyfriend since he was clearly waiting until I made the first move. We made pleasant, awkward talk that happens when you know something's on the horizon. Finally, I took a deep breath and plunged in.

Me: Boyfriend, I've been thinking about last night and--

Boyfriend: --yes?

Me: --I just think that last night was the last straw. I didn't like what was said. You know, I just...don't know about...(insert me beginning to tear up)....what's going on with us and....we've been arguing a lot and you've been yelling a lot....


By now I was babbling and crying, and somewhere along my 10 minute spiel about how our relationship went wrong he understood what I was talking about.

Boyfriend: Well you just constantly talk to me like I haven't been trying my best. I just feel like my best isn't good enough for you, no matter what I do it isn't good enough!

Me: I know, and that's my problem. And you know, with school coming up and you getting ready to graduate next year and me being an RA on top of all of my other activities and me pledging for a sorority in the spring, I just feel like I need someone strong to be there....and....not yell at me when we have a decision to make and they don't want to be bothered with it because I can't...won't...take it and I just don't think it's fair...


Boyfriend: (long pause) Then what do you want to do?

Me (taking multiple deep breaths before saying) I think....we should...take a break.

Readers, that was the hardest thing I've ever had to say. Ever. I may not have felt any emotions the night before, but as I said that it felt like some type of knife had went through me. What was I saying? Was I breaking up with him?

Boyfriend: So you're breaking up with me.

Me: No! I'm just asking to take a break...just for the summer...

Boyfriend: Bullshit! That's what people say when they want to break up!

Me: Boyfriend, please!

Boyfriend: No, you know what? Fine. Fine. You want to break up, let's break up! Okay? Fine. We're done. I don't need this....

And there was the infamous click of him hanging up on me. By this time I had about 2 minutes to get my brown ass into the building and clock in, so I went back into stunned mode, wiped my eyes, got out of the car and went in.

Inside my manager and co-worker were standing behind the desk talking (something they do often). They greeted me and I put on a false, plastic smile, returning the favor. After settling in, I tuned in to what they were gossiping about. Ironically, they were talking about having a shitty day.

Manager: Yeah, so I got to the job that I'm interviewing for, 30 minutes early, and they never show!

Me: What?

Manager: Yep, and then an hour after I had been there, they called wondering where I was! I was like, you know what? Screw this....

Co-worker: Yeah, I'm just...(throws up her hands)...not having a good day in general.

Me: Well, you know what? I just broke up with my boyfriend.

Coworker and Manager: (stunned silence)

Me: Yep. Of 2 years. Just now. In the parking lot. So I win.

I attached a fake smile to my face again and looked at the gaped mouths.

Manager: Wow.

Co-worker: That sucks.

Manager: Are you okay?

Me: Yep. I'm fine.

I vented to them for a while, telling them what a bastard he was, how sorry he was, how sick he made me, etc. They agreed that I should hate him, I was wasting my time, and so forth. As I was taking a breath my phone rang. It was Boyfriend.

Boyfriend: Hey.

Me (with manager looking at me): Hey.

Boyfriend: I'm sorry.

Me: Me too.

Boyfriend: I shouldn't have said that.

Me: I know. Look, can we finish this later? I'm on the clock and I really shouldn't be on the phone....

Boyfriend (sounding relieved that I still wanted to talk to him): Yeah...

About halfway through my shift, I say, "Wow, I just...I'm sorry. I just feel like I'm moving through water."

Manager: Oh, God, you're not a crier are you?

Me: Nah. Do I look like the type to cry?

Manager (obviously relieved): Nope. Just making sure.

Wow. This post is gaining length. Tell you the rest tomorrow.

Nope not dead...in hiding...

Nah. I'm not dead. Just hiding out from everyone, not really wanting to deal with everything. Yuck. But I guess bloggerland is calling to me because I'll be posting soon.

Such is love....

Yesterday I worked a 12 hour shift, from 9 a.m. till 10 p.m. thanks to me getting my second job. No big, though, I need the money and my family was getting on my nerves. We're leaving tomorrow for our family reunion, and as some of you may recall, I was also supposed to be seeing Boyfriend along the way. The plan was from to attend the family reunion from Thursday to Sunday, and then Sunday evening leave out to Indiana to see him. I would be taking 4 days of vacation ON TOP of the family reunion time to be with him. His only task? To get my ticket. I should've known.

The first problem arose when he miscalculated his money and realized he didn't have enough to buy the plane ticket. We argued about that for a while and for a minute, I refused to entertain the thought of taking the Greyhound back home, a 10+ hour ride. After bitching to my mother about it, she shook her head and chuckled, "Umph! You mean he's going to take his whole paycheck in order to pay for a one-way ticket for you? What a schmuck...". I realized I was being selfish, and if I really wanted to see him, I could make the sacrifice of taking the bus.

The second problem reared its ugly head after he opened his bank account, and was told it would be 10-14 business days before he would be able to receive his credit card along with the precious 3 number security code on the back. You know...the one that's needed to purchase anything online? Yeah. By the time the mailman arrived with that, it would be too late to by any ticket... and so I vented my frustration to him and his fallback answer was shouting at me, "I'm doing all I can!!!"

We pushed that problem aside when I repeatedly asked him to check the Greyhound site for ticket prices and what not, so that I could arrange for someone to pick me up. Today's Wednesday, and he's the king of procrastination, but me not knowing how I'm going to get home was not settling well with me.

Here's a little backstory:

Boyfriend has very minimum responsibility. You know this already. His parents have taken care of everything for him since creation, and now that he's a grown man, he still isn't motivated to do something until his mother calls bitching and complaining. Then he in turn bitches about being bitched at and reluctantly does it. Some man, huh? Remember, I had to bitch at him to get a job so that he could have money to travel this summer. And when he was given responsibility, to go to class, he ended up flunking out of the same class--twice and being kicked out of his music school.

What's funny about Boyfriend is that he thinks he's doing something. No, really! And that when people bitch at him the WHOLE WORLD must be against him, because he's doing everything in his sheer will power to do it right. He honestly told me a while ago that he was scouting a $1500 monitor for his computer--to play his game with. When I told him that was stupid, why not save that and buy a little car?, he reacted like that was a foreign concept. Having the ability to travel at will as opposed to sitting on your butt and playing your computer game? Easy choice, hands down. The computer game will obviously win every time.

Back to the present:

Last night, after making it home, I called him.

Boyfriend: Hello?
Me: Hey, how are you?
Boyfriend: Good... (I hear him move away from the phone to speak into his computer's mic, on his game no doubt)

I try to make conversation, and my head ends up getting bit off.

Me: What's your problem?!

Boyfriend: Nothing! I'm in p-v-p zone... (person versus person...apparently a very, very important zone in the game)

Me (sarcastically): Well, sorry to be getting in the way...

Boyfriend (distracted): What? Look, I don't need this attitude....

Me: (snapping) Do you just want me to call you back later?

Boyfriend: Whatever....yeah, that's fine.

Me: Fine, I'll call you tomorrow.

Boyfriend: Fine.

We slam the phone on each other. Y'all, I just worked a fucking 12-hour day!! What happened to, "Hey baby, how was your day? How you feeling?" I ended up calling back, of course, later on that night, and that's when we had the Greyhound fight. Here's the kicker: He wants me to take a bus from Indiana back home, arriving here approximately 5:30 in the morning.

"Boyfriend, I can't do that."

"YES YOU CAN!!!"

"No I can't! Who's going to come pick me up from the station at 5 in the morning? My parent's won't do that, they have to be at work at 8!"

"WELL, I'M TELLING YOU THAT'S AN OPTION AND YOU'RE REFUSING TO DO IT--"

"Honey, I'm a 20-year-old woman, and I don't have any business traveling that late a night...on the Greyhound...by myself...."

"I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN!! UGH!" Right, I'm stressing him out so bad...

"I can't travel like that! I wouldn't have a way to get home..."

"You could take a cab...."

"Are you fucking nuts? Taking a cab at 5:30 in the morning?"

"LOOK, I'VE TRIED THE BEST I CAN AND YOU HAVE OPTIONS AND YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKE THEM SO THAT'S IT. JUST DON'T COME! JUST DON'T COME THEN!"

(softly) "Well it looks like I'm not going to be able to..."

"FINE! DON'T COME! I'M GOING TO BED!!" (pause) "GOODNIGHT!!!"

(another pause...even softer) "Goodnight honey." And he slams the phone.

I was too stunned to even cry. I just looked at the phone for a few minutes and talked myself into calming down and going to sleep.


I think I'm fed up. No, no, I was fed up a while ago. Now I think I'm beyond that point. I feel trapped--I know he's not going to change, I sometimes wonder if there's someone out there who would be able to step up to the plate, but I can't leave him. Or rather, I'm scared to. Every time I try to talk to him about what's bothering me--his lack of will to be responsible (and a man), his immaturity, and his not seeing anything wrong with it, he jumps on the defense and it's like talking to a 2 year old with his fingers in his ear.


I don't know what to do....I'm open to suggestions...even from any asshole Anons who are bound to find this post...